Breaking the Stalemate: How Waiting for Your Partner to Change Keeps You Both Stuck

We’ve all heard it—or maybe even said it ourselves: “Why should I be the one to change?” “I’ve done all the work here; it’s their turn.” “He doesn’t see how wrong he is about what happened.” These phrases, while familiar, are the soundtrack of countless couples stuck in a stalemate, each waiting for the other to take the first step. But what happens when no one moves? You guessed it—a long-standing cycle of disconnection, resentment, and an emotional standoff that leaves both partners feeling stuck, unfulfilled, and increasingly distant.

The Price of the Stalemate

Marriage isn’t a game of chicken where the first one to flinch loses. Yet, when we set up our relationship dynamics this way, we inadvertently create a lose-lose situation. By refusing to budge until our partner does, we prolong disconnection and build a wall of resentment, brick by brick. Each “It’s not fair that I have to be the one to change” or “He just doesn’t get it” adds to the emotional distance, making it harder to remember the reasons you fell in love in the first place.

These statements often come from a place of pain and unmet needs. It's the belief that your partner is responsible for fixing what’s wrong. And while it’s true that relationships require mutual effort, waiting for your partner to change first puts both of you in a perpetual state of waiting. The result? A stagnant relationship where neither person feels seen, heard, or valued.

Navigating the Standoff: A New Approach

So, how do you get out of this gridlock? It starts with shifting the focus from what your partner isn’t doing to what you can do differently. Here’s the kicker—this isn’t about taking blame or letting your partner off the hook. It’s about reclaiming your own power and breaking the cycle of waiting. By stepping out of the waiting game, you can empower yourself to change the trajectory of your relationship, start a new beginning, and set the stage for a fresh connection. Let’s explore some ways to navigate this common impasse.

1. Challenge the Script: The next time you catch yourself thinking, “Why do I always have to change?” pause and reframe. Ask yourself, “What am I waiting for? What do I actually need, and how can I express that without demanding change first?” It’s not about surrendering or giving up your needs; it’s about communicating from a place of self-awareness rather than accusation.

2. Lead by Example: Imagine if both partners took responsibility for their part without keeping score. By focusing on what you can control—your actions, your reactions, and your efforts—you set the stage for change. And guess what? Change is contagious. When one partner starts showing up differently, it often inspires the other to follow suit.

3. Own Your Perceptions: Statements like “He’s completely missing the point of why I’m upset” can keep you stuck in your version of events. Instead, try on curiosity. What if your partner’s experience is just as valid as yours? Shifting from a stance of right versus wrong to one of understanding can defuse conflict and open the door to deeper connection.

4. Unpack the Resentment: Resentment often masks deeper hurts. Rather than saying, “I’m not changing until you do,” dig deeper. What’s the underlying feeling? Is it hurt, fear, loneliness? Sharing these core emotions with your partner fosters empathy and breaks down the walls that keep you both disconnected.

5. Revisit Your Goals Together: Sometimes, couples get so entrenched in their grievances that they forget why they’re together in the first place. Take time to reconnect over shared goals and values. Remind each other of what you’re working towards and why it’s worth the effort.

Stepping Out of the Waiting Game

The truth is, waiting for your partner to change first is like sitting in a parked car and expecting to arrive at your destination. To move forward, someone has to start the engine. So why not you? By taking proactive steps, challenging the old scripts, and leaning into curiosity rather than judgment, you can transform the standoff into an opportunity for growth.

It has been my experience that by employing a process-experiential approach aligned with Emotion-Focused Therapy, couples can experience live, in-the-moment healing through the creation of a safe and nurturing space where couples can empathetically process their emotions, understand each other’s unmet needs, and build trust. This approach helps them restructure their cognitive messaging to better align with their relationship needs, fostering more adaptive emotions and actions and ultimately promoting a healthier, thriving relationship.

Keep daring to connect! Until our next adventure,
Kim

Kimberly Keefer is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in North Carolina and South Carolina providing virtual support to couples across the Carolinas, and locally in her office in Fort Mill, SC. To learn more or get in contact, email Kim at Kimberly@Couples-Haven.com

Porn, Secrets, & Infidelity: Navigating the Fine Line in Your Relationship

Porn and infidelity. Just reading those words together can make your heart race a little, can’t it? In the world of couples therapy, these two topics often come up hand in hand. While porn use isn’t inherently harmful, it can blur the lines of fidelity when it starts happening in secrecy or goes against the agreed-upon boundaries of the relationship. Let’s dig into why secretive behavior around porn use can be considered cheating, how it impacts trust, and what couples can do to open up, rebuild, and reconnect.

The Gray Area: When Does Porn Cross the Line?

Pornography itself isn’t always the enemy in a relationship—it’s the secrecy, deceit, and lack of communication around it that often cause the real damage. If you’re hiding your porn use, deleting your browser history, or sneaking a peek when your partner isn’t around, you’re wading into dangerous waters.

The rule of thumb? If it’s something you’re not comfortable doing openly in front of your partner or discussing with them, it’s stepping into the realm of infidelity.

Cheating isn’t just about physical acts with another person; it’s anything that betrays your partner’s trust, violates established boundaries, or makes them feel like they’re in competition with something (or someone) else. That includes private porn use if it’s kept in the shadows. If you’re sneaking around, you’re sending a clear message: “I know this would hurt you, so I’ll keep it from you.” And that, my friends, is a major breach of trust.

Why Secret Porn Use Feels Like Cheating

1. It Breeds Distrust: When you hide something as personal as porn use, you’re fostering a culture of secrecy. Even if you think it’s harmless, your partner might feel betrayed by the hidden behavior.

2. Emotional Disconnection: Porn, when used in secret, creates an emotional barrier. It can make your partner feel excluded or inadequate, wondering why you’re turning to screens instead of them.

3. Erodes Intimacy: There’s an intimacy that comes from being honest and vulnerable with each other. When secrets pile up, that intimacy crumbles, leaving both partners feeling alone in the relationship.

4. Triggers Feelings of Inadequacy: Many partners struggle with feelings of not being "enough" when they discover hidden porn use. It can stir up deep insecurities, leaving wounds that aren't easy to heal.

Opening Up: How to Clear the Air

So, how do you go from secrecy to transparency? Opening up about something you’ve been hiding can feel like ripping off a Band-Aid, but it’s the first step to rebuilding trust and intimacy. Here’s how to start:

1. Own Your Actions: If you’ve been hiding your porn use, the first step is to own it. Admitting to yourself—and your partner—that you’ve crossed a boundary is essential. This isn’t about shame; it’s about accountability.

2. Initiate the Conversation: Choose a calm, private moment to bring up the topic. This isn’t a conversation for right before bed or in the middle of an argument. Start with honesty: “I’ve been using porn in a way that I know is damaging to us, and I want to talk about it.”

3. Listen to Their Feelings: Your partner’s reaction might range from sadness to anger to confusion. Let them express how this behavior has affected them without interrupting or getting defensive. Remember, their feelings are valid, even if they surprise you.

4. Set Clear Boundaries Together: Discuss what feels comfortable and acceptable for both of you regarding porn. Some couples may decide to eliminate it entirely, while others might find ways to integrate it that feel safe and consensual. The key is to decide together.

5. Transparency is Key: Moving forward, commit to openness. Whether that means sharing when you’re feeling the urge or being completely transparent about your habits, let your partner in instead of shutting them out.

6. Rebuilding Trust Takes Time: Trust doesn’t come back overnight. Be patient with each other. Consistently show up, communicate openly, and be accountable for your actions. You might consider couples therapy to help navigate these complex feelings with professional guidance.

Repairing and Rebuilding Trust

Rebuilding trust after a breach like this isn’t just about stopping the behavior—it’s about healing the wounds that secrecy has left behind. Here are some ways to foster connection and rebuild:

• Practice Radical Honesty: Be open not just about porn use, but about everything. Share your thoughts, feelings, and fears. Honesty builds intimacy.

• Engage in New Intimacy Practices: Whether that’s sharing more physical affection, spending dedicated time together, or exploring new ways to connect emotionally and sexually, prioritize rebuilding that sense of “us.”

• Show Appreciation: Acknowledge the work you’re both doing to rebuild. Gratitude goes a long way in healing old hurts.

• Seek Support Together: If this conversation feels too big to tackle alone, don’t hesitate to reach out for professional support. Couples therapy can provide a safe space to work through the hurt and find a new path forward.

Final Thoughts: From Secrets to Connection

Porn use in secrecy is about more than just watching videos—it’s about the walls it builds between you and your partner. If you find yourself hiding, it’s time to tear those walls down. Honesty, transparency, and a willingness to rebuild together are your best tools. Remember, you’re not enemies; you’re partners in this journey. It’s not about pointing fingers - it’s about turning toward each other, ready to face whatever comes next, together.

If couples therapy or a transformational couples intensive could revitalize your relationship, contact me for a complimentary consult at Kimberly@Couples-Haven.com

Keep daring to connect! Until our next adventure,

- Kim

New Parenthood & PMADs: Navigating the Emotional Challenges Together

Becoming a parent is one of life’s most profound transformations. It’s a journey filled with love, joy, and the miracle of new life. But it’s also a journey fraught with challenges that can test even the strongest of relationships. One of the most significant and often overlooked challenges is the impact of perinatal mood and anxiety disorders (PMADs) on both partners, from the conception through your baby’s 1st birthday, and beyond. These emotional and mental health struggles can affect either partner—yes, regardless of gender! —and, if left unaddressed, can create long-term barriers to connection and intimacy.

The Silent Struggle: Understanding PMADs

PMADs encompass a range of mood and anxiety disorders that can occur during pregnancy and in the first year postpartum. While postpartum depression is the most well-known, PMADs also include postpartum anxiety, postpartum OCD, postpartum PTSD, and rage, among others. These disorders can manifest in various ways, from overwhelming sadness and irritability to constant worry and scary, intrusive thoughts.

It's important to note that PMADs go beyond the common "baby blues" that many people experience shortly after childbirth. Unlike the fleeting and mild emotional fluctuations associated with baby blues, PMADs are more severe and persistent, affecting individuals differently. They can show up as intense feelings of hopelessness, anxiety, or irritability that don't easily subside and can interfere with daily functioning. Understanding that PMADs can appear in various forms and intensities for different people is crucial in recognizing and addressing these conditions effectively.

It’s also essential to understand is that PMADs don’t discriminate. Research tells us that it can affect moms and dad alike, leaving both feeling isolated, overwhelmed, and disconnected. Unfortunately, societal expectations often avert male partners from recognizing or seeking help for their struggles, which can lead to long-lasting emotional distance in the relationship. In my work with couples, I've often seen partners hold back from expressing their needs and desires during the postpartum period—a situation that can lead to seeking fulfillment outside the relationship if they don’t make a conscious effort to check in with each other and improve their communication.

Recognize the Signs—In Yourself and Your Partner

The first step in addressing PMADs is recognizing the signs. For new moms, symptoms might include feelings of hopelessness, difficulty bonding with the baby, feeling like a failure, or excessive worry about the baby’s health. New dads might experience irritability, withdrawal, or feelings of inadequacy in their new role as a parent.

It’s crucial for both partners to be aware of these symptoms—not just in themselves, but in each other. Open communication about mental health struggles - and normalizing them - can be a lifeline. If you notice signs of PMADs in yourself or your partner, don’t hesitate to bring it up. Approach the conversation with empathy and a shared understanding that these feelings are valid and worthy of attention.

Prioritize Mental Health—Together

Addressing PMADs requires intentional action. Seeking support from a therapist who specializes in perinatal mental health is one of the most effective ways to navigate these challenges. Individual therapy, couples therapy, or support groups can provide the tools and understanding needed to manage symptoms and reconnect as a couple.

In addition to professional help, consider creating daily practices that prioritize mental health:

• Share the Load: Parenting is a team effort. Regularly check in with each other to discuss how you’re feeling and where you might need support. Dividing parenting responsibilities more equally can alleviate stress and create a stronger partnership.

• Practice Self-Care: Both partners need time to recharge. Whether it’s a short walk, a relaxing bath, or even a few moments of quiet, make space for activities that nourish your mental well-being.

• Stay Connected: Amidst the chaos of new parenthood, it’s easy to lose sight of your relationship. Set aside time, even if it’s just a few minutes each day, to reconnect. This might be through a shared activity, a meaningful conversation, or simply holding each other without distractions.

Understand the Long-Term Impact On Your Family and Marriage

The effects of untreated PMADs can ripple through the entire family system. For couples, these disorders can create a persistent emotional distance, leading to a breakdown in communication and intimacy. Over time, this disconnect can result in resentment, dissatisfaction, and even a higher risk of separation or divorce. The strain doesn’t just affect the couple; it also impacts the overall family dynamic.

Children, even as infants, are highly sensitive to the emotional atmosphere in the home. When parents are struggling with untreated PMADs, it can lead to an environment of tension, unpredictability, attachment issues, and emotional instability. This atmosphere can affect a child’s emotional development, leading to issues such as anxiety, attachment difficulties in future relationships, and behavioral problems.

Moreover, the prolonged stress and isolation caused by untreated PMADs can make it difficult for parents to fully engage in their new roles, affecting the quality of their bond with their child. This can have long-lasting implications, not just in the early years, but throughout the child’s development.

The Impact of Environmental and Social Changes

A significant component of PMADs can be influenced by the dramatic changes in environment, social dynamics, and increased responsibilities that come with parenthood. These changes often include adapting to a new daily routine, adjusting to societal expectations of parenthood, and managing increased demands on time and energy. Such transitions can exacerbate feelings of stress and overwhelm, further contributing to the development or intensification of PMADs. Recognizing how these external factors contribute to your emotional state is crucial in addressing the full scope of PMADs and finding effective ways to cope. Additionally, parenthood can bring unresolved issues from your own childhood to the forefront, as well as influence how your parents' PMADs may have affected your own attachment styles.

Rebuilding Your Connection, One Day at a Time

Healing from PMADs and reconnecting as a couple is a journey that takes time, patience, and mutual effort. Start by setting small, achievable goals that bring you closer together. This could be as simple as spending 10 minutes each night talking about your day or planning a regular date night where you can focus on each other, free from the demands of parenting.

It’s also important to celebrate the progress you make, no matter how small. Recognizing the ways you’ve grown together during this challenging time can reinforce your bond and remind you of the love that brought you together.

Seek Support When Needed

We know, of course, that we aren’t born with an innate grasp of how to manage relationships, right? If you’re struggling to navigate these challenges on your own, don't hesitate to seek professional support. At Couples Haven, I specialize in helping couples strengthen their connection. My therapy sessions are designed to equip you with the tools, practical real-time experiences, and strategies you need to overcome these obstacles and reconnect with each other.

Ready to take the next step? Contact me today to learn more about how we can support you on your journey to healing and reconnection. Let’s work together to ensure that your relationship and family thrive, even in the midst of new parenthood.