Breaking the Stalemate: How Waiting for Your Partner to Change Keeps You Both Stuck

We’ve all heard it—or maybe even said it ourselves: “Why should I be the one to change?” “I’ve done all the work here; it’s their turn.” “He doesn’t see how wrong he is about what happened.” These phrases, while familiar, are the soundtrack of countless couples stuck in a stalemate, each waiting for the other to take the first step. But what happens when no one moves? You guessed it—a long-standing cycle of disconnection, resentment, and an emotional standoff that leaves both partners feeling stuck, unfulfilled, and increasingly distant.

The Price of the Stalemate

Marriage isn’t a game of chicken where the first one to flinch loses. Yet, when we set up our relationship dynamics this way, we inadvertently create a lose-lose situation. By refusing to budge until our partner does, we prolong disconnection and build a wall of resentment, brick by brick. Each “It’s not fair that I have to be the one to change” or “He just doesn’t get it” adds to the emotional distance, making it harder to remember the reasons you fell in love in the first place.

These statements often come from a place of pain and unmet needs. It's the belief that your partner is responsible for fixing what’s wrong. And while it’s true that relationships require mutual effort, waiting for your partner to change first puts both of you in a perpetual state of waiting. The result? A stagnant relationship where neither person feels seen, heard, or valued.

Navigating the Standoff: A New Approach

So, how do you get out of this gridlock? It starts with shifting the focus from what your partner isn’t doing to what you can do differently. Here’s the kicker—this isn’t about taking blame or letting your partner off the hook. It’s about reclaiming your own power and breaking the cycle of waiting. By stepping out of the waiting game, you can empower yourself to change the trajectory of your relationship, start a new beginning, and set the stage for a fresh connection. Let’s explore some ways to navigate this common impasse.

1. Challenge the Script: The next time you catch yourself thinking, “Why do I always have to change?” pause and reframe. Ask yourself, “What am I waiting for? What do I actually need, and how can I express that without demanding change first?” It’s not about surrendering or giving up your needs; it’s about communicating from a place of self-awareness rather than accusation.

2. Lead by Example: Imagine if both partners took responsibility for their part without keeping score. By focusing on what you can control—your actions, your reactions, and your efforts—you set the stage for change. And guess what? Change is contagious. When one partner starts showing up differently, it often inspires the other to follow suit.

3. Own Your Perceptions: Statements like “He’s completely missing the point of why I’m upset” can keep you stuck in your version of events. Instead, try on curiosity. What if your partner’s experience is just as valid as yours? Shifting from a stance of right versus wrong to one of understanding can defuse conflict and open the door to deeper connection.

4. Unpack the Resentment: Resentment often masks deeper hurts. Rather than saying, “I’m not changing until you do,” dig deeper. What’s the underlying feeling? Is it hurt, fear, loneliness? Sharing these core emotions with your partner fosters empathy and breaks down the walls that keep you both disconnected.

5. Revisit Your Goals Together: Sometimes, couples get so entrenched in their grievances that they forget why they’re together in the first place. Take time to reconnect over shared goals and values. Remind each other of what you’re working towards and why it’s worth the effort.

Stepping Out of the Waiting Game

The truth is, waiting for your partner to change first is like sitting in a parked car and expecting to arrive at your destination. To move forward, someone has to start the engine. So why not you? By taking proactive steps, challenging the old scripts, and leaning into curiosity rather than judgment, you can transform the standoff into an opportunity for growth.

It has been my experience that by employing a process-experiential approach aligned with Emotion-Focused Therapy, couples can experience live, in-the-moment healing through the creation of a safe and nurturing space where couples can empathetically process their emotions, understand each other’s unmet needs, and build trust. This approach helps them restructure their cognitive messaging to better align with their relationship needs, fostering more adaptive emotions and actions and ultimately promoting a healthier, thriving relationship.

Keep daring to connect! Until our next adventure,
Kim

Kimberly Keefer is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in North Carolina and South Carolina providing virtual support to couples across the Carolinas, and locally in her office in Fort Mill, SC. To learn more or get in contact, email Kim at Kimberly@Couples-Haven.com

New Parenthood & PMADs: Navigating the Emotional Challenges Together

Becoming a parent is one of life’s most profound transformations. It’s a journey filled with love, joy, and the miracle of new life. But it’s also a journey fraught with challenges that can test even the strongest of relationships. One of the most significant and often overlooked challenges is the impact of perinatal mood and anxiety disorders (PMADs) on both partners, from the conception through your baby’s 1st birthday, and beyond. These emotional and mental health struggles can affect either partner—yes, regardless of gender! —and, if left unaddressed, can create long-term barriers to connection and intimacy.

The Silent Struggle: Understanding PMADs

PMADs encompass a range of mood and anxiety disorders that can occur during pregnancy and in the first year postpartum. While postpartum depression is the most well-known, PMADs also include postpartum anxiety, postpartum OCD, postpartum PTSD, and rage, among others. These disorders can manifest in various ways, from overwhelming sadness and irritability to constant worry and scary, intrusive thoughts.

It's important to note that PMADs go beyond the common "baby blues" that many people experience shortly after childbirth. Unlike the fleeting and mild emotional fluctuations associated with baby blues, PMADs are more severe and persistent, affecting individuals differently. They can show up as intense feelings of hopelessness, anxiety, or irritability that don't easily subside and can interfere with daily functioning. Understanding that PMADs can appear in various forms and intensities for different people is crucial in recognizing and addressing these conditions effectively.

It’s also essential to understand is that PMADs don’t discriminate. Research tells us that it can affect moms and dad alike, leaving both feeling isolated, overwhelmed, and disconnected. Unfortunately, societal expectations often avert male partners from recognizing or seeking help for their struggles, which can lead to long-lasting emotional distance in the relationship. In my work with couples, I've often seen partners hold back from expressing their needs and desires during the postpartum period—a situation that can lead to seeking fulfillment outside the relationship if they don’t make a conscious effort to check in with each other and improve their communication.

Recognize the Signs—In Yourself and Your Partner

The first step in addressing PMADs is recognizing the signs. For new moms, symptoms might include feelings of hopelessness, difficulty bonding with the baby, feeling like a failure, or excessive worry about the baby’s health. New dads might experience irritability, withdrawal, or feelings of inadequacy in their new role as a parent.

It’s crucial for both partners to be aware of these symptoms—not just in themselves, but in each other. Open communication about mental health struggles - and normalizing them - can be a lifeline. If you notice signs of PMADs in yourself or your partner, don’t hesitate to bring it up. Approach the conversation with empathy and a shared understanding that these feelings are valid and worthy of attention.

Prioritize Mental Health—Together

Addressing PMADs requires intentional action. Seeking support from a therapist who specializes in perinatal mental health is one of the most effective ways to navigate these challenges. Individual therapy, couples therapy, or support groups can provide the tools and understanding needed to manage symptoms and reconnect as a couple.

In addition to professional help, consider creating daily practices that prioritize mental health:

• Share the Load: Parenting is a team effort. Regularly check in with each other to discuss how you’re feeling and where you might need support. Dividing parenting responsibilities more equally can alleviate stress and create a stronger partnership.

• Practice Self-Care: Both partners need time to recharge. Whether it’s a short walk, a relaxing bath, or even a few moments of quiet, make space for activities that nourish your mental well-being.

• Stay Connected: Amidst the chaos of new parenthood, it’s easy to lose sight of your relationship. Set aside time, even if it’s just a few minutes each day, to reconnect. This might be through a shared activity, a meaningful conversation, or simply holding each other without distractions.

Understand the Long-Term Impact On Your Family and Marriage

The effects of untreated PMADs can ripple through the entire family system. For couples, these disorders can create a persistent emotional distance, leading to a breakdown in communication and intimacy. Over time, this disconnect can result in resentment, dissatisfaction, and even a higher risk of separation or divorce. The strain doesn’t just affect the couple; it also impacts the overall family dynamic.

Children, even as infants, are highly sensitive to the emotional atmosphere in the home. When parents are struggling with untreated PMADs, it can lead to an environment of tension, unpredictability, attachment issues, and emotional instability. This atmosphere can affect a child’s emotional development, leading to issues such as anxiety, attachment difficulties in future relationships, and behavioral problems.

Moreover, the prolonged stress and isolation caused by untreated PMADs can make it difficult for parents to fully engage in their new roles, affecting the quality of their bond with their child. This can have long-lasting implications, not just in the early years, but throughout the child’s development.

The Impact of Environmental and Social Changes

A significant component of PMADs can be influenced by the dramatic changes in environment, social dynamics, and increased responsibilities that come with parenthood. These changes often include adapting to a new daily routine, adjusting to societal expectations of parenthood, and managing increased demands on time and energy. Such transitions can exacerbate feelings of stress and overwhelm, further contributing to the development or intensification of PMADs. Recognizing how these external factors contribute to your emotional state is crucial in addressing the full scope of PMADs and finding effective ways to cope. Additionally, parenthood can bring unresolved issues from your own childhood to the forefront, as well as influence how your parents' PMADs may have affected your own attachment styles.

Rebuilding Your Connection, One Day at a Time

Healing from PMADs and reconnecting as a couple is a journey that takes time, patience, and mutual effort. Start by setting small, achievable goals that bring you closer together. This could be as simple as spending 10 minutes each night talking about your day or planning a regular date night where you can focus on each other, free from the demands of parenting.

It’s also important to celebrate the progress you make, no matter how small. Recognizing the ways you’ve grown together during this challenging time can reinforce your bond and remind you of the love that brought you together.

Seek Support When Needed

We know, of course, that we aren’t born with an innate grasp of how to manage relationships, right? If you’re struggling to navigate these challenges on your own, don't hesitate to seek professional support. At Couples Haven, I specialize in helping couples strengthen their connection. My therapy sessions are designed to equip you with the tools, practical real-time experiences, and strategies you need to overcome these obstacles and reconnect with each other.

Ready to take the next step? Contact me today to learn more about how we can support you on your journey to healing and reconnection. Let’s work together to ensure that your relationship and family thrive, even in the midst of new parenthood.

Trust Issues: How to Understand Your Partner and Express Your Needs

In the dance of love, trust is the rhythm that keeps everything flowing smoothly. But what happens when that rhythm falters? Trust issues can creep in, casting shadows over even the strongest relationships. Whether it’s due to past betrayals, misunderstandings, or unspoken fears, trust issues can leave couples feeling disconnected and unsure of how to move forward. The good news? Healing is possible, and it starts with understanding and communication.

The Silent Saboteur: What Causes Trust Issues?

Trust issues don’t appear out of thin air. They’re often rooted in past experiences—perhaps from a previous relationship or even from childhood. Maybe there’s been infidelity, lies, or emotional neglect in your relationship, and the wounds haven’t fully healed. Or maybe you’re struggling with feelings of insecurity or fear of abandonment. Whatever the cause, it’s important to recognize that these feelings are valid but not insurmountable.

Acknowledge the Elephant in the Room

Before you can rebuild trust, you must first acknowledge that it’s been broken. This might seem obvious, but many couples avoid difficult conversations, hoping the issues will resolve on their own. Spoiler alert: they won’t. It’s essential to sit down with your partner and openly discuss what’s been bothering you. Create a safe space where both of you can express your feelings without judgment.

Seek to Understand, Not Just to Respond

When trust issues arise, it’s easy to get defensive or to focus solely on your own hurt. But to truly heal, you must listen to your partner’s perspective. Understanding where they’re coming from doesn’t mean you agree with everything they say, but it shows that you’re willing to see the situation through their eyes. This empathy is the first step in rebuilding a connection.

Ask open-ended questions to delve deeper into your partner’s feelings:

• “Can you help me understand why this is so important to you?”

• “How did that situation make you feel?”

• “What do you need from me to feel more secure in our relationship?”

These questions are designed to foster a deeper connection and allow both of you to feel heard and understood.

Express Your Needs with Compassion

While it’s crucial to understand your partner, it’s equally important to express your own needs. However, how you communicate these needs can make all the difference. Rather than blaming or accusing, try using “I” statements to take ownership of your feelings. For example:

• Instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” try, “I feel unheard when we don’t talk about our day.”

• Rather than, “You don’t care about my feelings,” opt for, “I need reassurance sometimes to feel secure in our relationship.”

These “I” statements reduce defensiveness and help keep the conversation productive.

Rebuild Trust Brick by Brick

Rebuilding trust takes time, patience, and consistent effort. It’s not about grand gestures; it’s about showing up every day with honesty, transparency, and a willingness to work through the tough stuff together. Create small rituals of connection—whether it’s checking in with each other at the end of the day, setting aside time for a weekly date night, or simply being more mindful of your partner’s needs.

Remember, trust isn’t rebuilt overnight, but with each small act of kindness, respect, and understanding, you’re laying the foundation for a stronger, more resilient relationship.

Don’t Be Afraid to Seek Help

Sometimes, despite your best efforts, rebuilding trust can feel overwhelming. That’s where specialized support with an experienced couples therapist comes in. Working with a therapist provides a neutral space where both of you can explore your feelings, clarify the underpinnings of the attachment injury, learn new communication tools, and develop strategies for moving forward.

At Couples Haven, I specialize in helping couples navigate these challenging moments. Whether you’re dealing with deep-seated trust issues or simply want to strengthen your bond, I’m dedicated to guiding you every step of the way.

Ready to take the next step? Contact me today to learn more about customized intensive couples therapy sessions. Let’s work together to heal, reconnect, and rediscover the love that brought you together in the first place.

Balancing Marriage & Co-Parenting as School Reconvenes: Finding the Sweet Spot

The summer’s over, and school’s back in session—cue the chaos! Between the homework battles, packed schedules, and the never-ending laundry pile, it’s easy to let your romantic connection slip into the background. But fear not! Here’s how to keep your marriage sizzling while juggling the back-to-school madness. Buckle up for tips that blend fun, taboo, and a little intrigue.

1. Schedule “Couple Time” Like It’s Your New Obsession

The back-to-school frenzy can feel like a circus act, but don’t let it steal your spotlight. Book couple time as if it were your hottest new hobby. Whether it’s a cheeky dinner date, an afternoon romp, or just a night of binge-watching your guilty pleasures, make it a non-negotiable. Plan it like it’s your next big adventure and savor every minute.

2. Communicate Like You’re in a Thrilling Spy Novel

Forget about boring check-ins—think espionage level communication. Share your deep, dark secrets (or just your school-related stress) and plot your strategy together. Dive into those juicy conversations about what’s working, what’s not, and how you can keep the romance sizzling amidst the chaos. Think of it as your personal romantic thriller.

3. Divide and Conquer with a Side of Playfulness

The school season’s to-do list is long, but teamwork makes the dream work. Split up the tasks like the dynamic duo you are. Turn mundane chores into playful competitions or little adventures. Who can get the kids ready fastest? Who can cook dinner with the most flair? Channel your inner superheroes and make it fun.

4. Be All-In During Your Moments Together

When you steal away those precious moments, be fully present. Ditch the phones, and dive into each other with wild abandon. Whether you’re tackling a DIY project or just enjoying a quiet night in, go all in. Give your partner your undivided attention and let those intimate moments spark something unforgettable.

5. Keep Your Personal Passions Alive (Because You're More Than Just Parents)

You were a fantastic individual before school chaos took over, and you still are. Keep pursuing your passions and encourage your partner to do the same. Your separate interests bring extra zest to your relationship, and who knows? Your personal adventures might even become new shared escapades.

6. Seek Help When the Chaos Feels Like a Storm

If the school year feels like a storm of epic proportions, don’t hesitate to call in reinforcements. Couples therapy isn’t about admitting defeat; it’s about strengthening your bond and surviving the storm together. Think of it as your secret weapon for navigating the madness.

7. Celebrate Small Wins with Gusto

School season chaos can be relentless, but celebrate the little victories with flair. Survived the first week of school? Throw a mini party! Got everyone to their activities on time? High-five each other with style. These mini-celebrations keep the fun alive and remind you both of the amazing team you make.

8. Plan Escapes That Excite

Dream big and plan exciting escapes, even if they’re small. Whether it’s a spontaneous weekend getaway or just an evening of adventurous fun, having something to look forward to keeps the romance sizzling. It doesn’t have to be grand; sometimes the most thrilling moments are the simplest.

9. Practice Patience with a Dash of Sizzle

Back-to-school season can test your patience, but remember to keep it sexy. Be kind, understanding, and give each other the benefit of the doubt. A sprinkle of empathy and a lot of love can keep the relationship hot even when everything else feels cold and chaotic.

10. Rekindle Romance with a Twist

Don’t let romance fade into the background. Surprise your partner with a bold gesture—a flirty note tucked into their briefcase or an unexpected kiss in the kitchen. Keep the spark alive with spontaneous, passionate surprises that remind you both of the intense connection you share.

So, as the school bells ring and life gets busier, remember to keep your marriage vibrant and thrilling. With a mix of planning, playful competition, and passionate connection, you can navigate the chaos and keep the love alive. Embrace the frenzy, cherish your moments, and let this school year be your most exciting yet!