Breaking the Stalemate: How Waiting for Your Partner to Change Keeps You Both Stuck
We’ve all heard it—or maybe even said it ourselves: “Why should I be the one to change?” “I’ve done all the work here; it’s their turn.” “He doesn’t see how wrong he is about what happened.” These phrases, while familiar, are the soundtrack of countless couples stuck in a stalemate, each waiting for the other to take the first step. But what happens when no one moves? You guessed it—a long-standing cycle of disconnection, resentment, and an emotional standoff that leaves both partners feeling stuck, unfulfilled, and increasingly distant.
The Price of the Stalemate
Marriage isn’t a game of chicken where the first one to flinch loses. Yet, when we set up our relationship dynamics this way, we inadvertently create a lose-lose situation. By refusing to budge until our partner does, we prolong disconnection and build a wall of resentment, brick by brick. Each “It’s not fair that I have to be the one to change” or “He just doesn’t get it” adds to the emotional distance, making it harder to remember the reasons you fell in love in the first place.
These statements often come from a place of pain and unmet needs. It's the belief that your partner is responsible for fixing what’s wrong. And while it’s true that relationships require mutual effort, waiting for your partner to change first puts both of you in a perpetual state of waiting. The result? A stagnant relationship where neither person feels seen, heard, or valued.
Navigating the Standoff: A New Approach
So, how do you get out of this gridlock? It starts with shifting the focus from what your partner isn’t doing to what you can do differently. Here’s the kicker—this isn’t about taking blame or letting your partner off the hook. It’s about reclaiming your own power and breaking the cycle of waiting. By stepping out of the waiting game, you can empower yourself to change the trajectory of your relationship, start a new beginning, and set the stage for a fresh connection. Let’s explore some ways to navigate this common impasse.
Challenge the Script: The next time you catch yourself thinking, “Why do I always have to change?” pause and reframe. Ask yourself, “What am I waiting for? What do I actually need, and how can I express that without demanding change first?” It’s not about surrendering or giving up your needs; it’s about communicating from a place of self-awareness rather than accusation.
Lead by Example: Imagine if both partners took responsibility for their part without keeping score. By focusing on what you can control—your actions, your reactions, and your efforts—you set the stage for change. And guess what? Change is contagious. When one partner starts showing up differently, it often inspires the other to follow suit.
Own Your Perceptions: Statements like “He’s completely missing the point of why I’m upset” can keep you stuck in your version of events. Instead, try on curiosity. What if your partner’s experience is just as valid as yours? Shifting from a stance of right versus wrong to one of understanding can defuse conflict and open the door to deeper connection.
Unpack the Resentment: Resentment often masks deeper hurts. Rather than saying, “I’m not changing until you do,” dig deeper. What’s the underlying feeling? Is it hurt, fear, loneliness? Sharing these core emotions with your partner fosters empathy and breaks down the walls that keep you both disconnected.
Revisit Your Goals Together: Sometimes, couples get so entrenched in their grievances that they forget why they’re together in the first place. Take time to reconnect over shared goals and values. Remind each other of what you’re working towards and why it’s worth the effort.
Stepping Out of the Waiting Game
The truth is, waiting for your partner to change first is like sitting in a parked car and expecting to arrive at your destination. To move forward, someone has to start the engine. So why not you? By taking proactive steps, challenging the old scripts, and leaning into curiosity rather than judgment, you can transform the standoff into an opportunity for growth.
It has been my experience that by employing a process-experiential approach aligned with Emotion-Focused Therapy, couples can experience live, in-the-moment healing through the creation of a safe and nurturing space where couples can empathetically process their emotions, understand each other’s unmet needs, and build trust. This approach helps them restructure their cognitive messaging to better align with their relationship needs, fostering more adaptive emotions and actions and ultimately promoting a healthier, thriving relationship.
Keep daring to connect! Until our next adventure,
Kim
Kimberly Keefer is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in North Carolina and South Carolina providing virtual support to couples across the Carolinas, and locally in her office in Fort Mill, SC. To learn more or get in contact, email Kim at Kimberly@Couples-Haven.com
